Anxiety (And Other Fun Mental Illnesses)

Sorry I have been neglecting my blog, I have been having a difficult time lately. So, I really do not want to write about this, but I think I should…sooo I have a couple of mental illnesses lol, I have anxiety, depression, OCD (a bit) and claustrophobia. I apologize in advance if this is…uhmm depression or anything, but I kind of feel like people should know.

So, I recently got a boyfriend, which is great : ) I have liked him for a while, but he was going out with other people :P plus I was kind of afraid of being in a relationship. So I am like really happy, he finally figured out I liked him, although I mean people did not even really know I liked him until I told them, so I do not blame him for not realizing it lol. Last Friday (November 12^th) we were hanging at the church and me and him (him and I?) had been texting like everyday for about a week. I was getting kind of annoyed with him a bit lol because he was holding my hand and being all couple-ish with me and we were not going out (yet). :P eventually I told Jack to encourage him, but then I talked to Carrie and she told me to just ask him, so I beat him to it : ) hehe yea I can be kind of competitive, so I asked him out and he said yes : ) lol at first I did not think he heard me because I gave him a hug, but he replied so xD so yes, hehe I am going out with Sam : )

Then a couple of days later, on Sunday we went on a date to see Megamind, and guess what happened… I had an anxiety attack. I felt like I was going to be sick and I started hyperventilating. So I said I was going to get something to drink and that helped a bit, I guess. There was no way, though, that I could sit through that movie, so I went back into the theater and waved him over. So we had to leave and I felt really bad. We were at Bella Botega, so we walked over to Redmond Town Center. I could not just sit down, I had to keep walking, I do not know why, but if I stayed outside and kept walking I felt a bit better. We walked like everywhere, but I still felt like I was going to be sick, bleh. Plus him kissing me did not help xD hehe but I was okey with that : )

After Sunday, I just kept having anxiety. I went to school on Monday and almost threw up, so I had to leave like right as school started. Then on Tuesday I felt better so I went to school for a half hour of 4^th period (Math) and I was there the rest of the day. I skipped school on Wednesday and then on Thursday I went to Starbucks to be with Sam : ) and we hung out with Carrie and Mitchell (awwwww lol), but I was still not feeling good, so we left and walked to Eastlake. I could not handle school, so I called my mom to pick me up. Then I went to the doctor at 12 and they gave me meds and yay my mom is forcing me to therapy (again) : (  bleh, so I went to school for 6^th period, because I had to take my chapter 3 test. Yea I know I am weird, I go to school just to take tests xD haha this is not the first time, either.

Lol yea then I went to school on Friday and made it through the day and even hung out at the church afterward. I felt like I was going to pass out though because I had not eaten all day. Sam made me get Jamba Juice though lol so I felt a bit better, but I had to leave the church at 4 because I just could not take it. Then, I made the great mistake of going to More Than Meets the Eye. I wanted to go, I mean come on, Darling cross dressing and Jamie having a crush on him, how awesome is that?! xD and I thought I would be okey, plus I REALLY wanted to see Sam because I had hardly seen him : ( I felt okey-ish until intermission so Sam took me outside and made me drink water. Then we went back into the theater and I was just hoping the firetrucking play would be over soon. I was shaking, hyperventilating a bit and having a really weird combination of hot and cold. It felt creepy, if you have read Breaking Dawn it felt like how Bella describes turning into a vampire. Oh crap, I ruined the whole series xD lol ah well, but yea this weird…heat from like the end of your body moving inward towards where your heart is, it freaked me out. Too bad I was not turning into a vampire though lol. But yes, the weird hot and cold, I felt way to warm, but I had goose bumps and my hands were really cold. I do not know what the hell, but yea. So I was using my flyer as a fan, just trying to deal with the anxiety, but I could not take it. So I got up and left during the play (and tripped over everybody in the process). I got outside, drank some water, walked around for a minute, trying to calm down, but that did not work. I mean I almost passed out because I had not eaten all day. Finally I just called my mom to pick me up. If only you could have heard the sadness in my voice on that phone. It sounded beyond sad to me. Sam has been nothing but understanding and amazing to me and I have to go and have major anxiety and just be difficult to deal with. I mean he waits for me when I get to school even if he had to leave class and he takes me outside to get fresh air and makes me drink water and just tries to get me through my anxiety. I really like him a lot and I hate having anxiety, I do not get to see him as much as I want to : ( I mean we were supposed to see Harry Potter 7 today, but I knew I would have to leave.

So I guess my overall meaning of this post is anxiety is a bitch and she has no friends. *sigh* so yea, I have just been having overwhelming anxiety and I hope to be okey soon. Sam has been trying to help, plus I got meds and I will be forced to a therapist (the rapist). I mean I know exactly what causes the anxiety, I just cannot handle it : ( plus I have depression, but I guess the meds are also an anti-depressant (but they can make you have suicidal thoughts…that seems so backwards, but okey) bleh and having major claustrophobia does not help my anxiety. Girrur, well I guess that is all for now :P

Peace,
Lolo  ツ

Relationships

So, I have been thinking about this topic a lot recently. For the past year in fact. I have been single for about a year. After you get out of a relationship it is refreshing to be single again, but after awhile you just think enough is enough.

Well, everybody seems to be bringing this topic up. Whether they are a new couple, a recently ended couple, or just tired of being single. I do not care if anybody reads this or not, but I would like to discuss it.

So, my last relationship was...uhm...yea :P it was a...new experience for me. This is the first legit relationship I had been in. As it turns out, I cannot handle relationships well. I ended up getting extreme anxiety and almost had to go to the E.R. I threw up pretty much everything for a week and hardly ate for like 2 months. Plus, my view of relationships it totally screwed up. I kind of see relationships as something people do to make life go a little smoother. Let’s get real here, i want a boyfriend, but honestly, we are still young. The people we date now are not "the one" or whatever, but then again i do not wish to be married or procreate :P yes I know, very un-Christian.

So, i guess to sum this up, I do want a relationship, but i am afraid to have one. I over analyze things and think I am too depressing to be a good girlfriend. The whole topic of relationships just depresses me. I always feel like i will ruin whatever relationship i am in. I am extremely fragile and I am just afraid. I am just afraid of what is unknown and of disappointing people.

Peace,
Lolo  ツ

Halloween (2)

I will most likely have several "Halloween" titled posts. Why? Because it is October!! Lol so on Thursday (10/21) I went through Nightmare at Beaver Lake with my good friends Morgan and Daniel :) they were wayyyyy under staffed so security and casting people were acting. It was fun, but a fully staffed show would have been 10 times better. I think me and Morgan ruined it for the actors, because we are actors so we commented on EVERYTHING. The vampires were a bit upset we stood there for like 5 minutes xD haha but they can suck it up (I am soo punny :P)

I think for my last three days of NM@BL I am going to try to be~

Tuesday (10/26): in solitary confinement...because Morgan's brother was in there while I was in the Pavilion also and he sounded like he was having fun xD and I think it is supposed to rain that day (no way!! Rain in Washington?! What the firetruck?!?!) So I would like to be inside where it is dry and warm (ish).

Wednesday (10/27): a vampire, because I got fangs and I get to be my favorite deathly creature :) non sparkly of course.

Halloween/Sunday (10/31): the Mad Hatter because I would like to work one night with my good friend the March Hare (Morgan).

Hopefully I am put in a funner (more fun?) role and am not with lame people xD lol on Wednesday I was in the mess hall and the two people I was with broke things, got to close to people and gave away an arm xD lol but whatever.

So far I have been (which I probably should have put before what I would like to be xD)~

Monday (10/18): the Cheshire Cat. This would have been fun if I actually knew what the firetruck I was supposed to be doing. The caterpillar and the set were cool though. Lol the caterpillar sat on a giant mushroom with a hookah xD

Tuesday (10/19): Vortex Carnie. This was kind of fun, but at the same time not. I wanted to be a clown, but they had all the roles filled for that. Lol I stood in the tent at the end of the vortex (the vortex (btw) is a...well it is a shed-house-type thing :P and you go inside and the walls spin and it makes you dizzy. They play epic music and it is all neon and lighted and spinney and cool lol) and I got to jump out at people :D they were scared!

Wednesday (10/20): well...I was supposed to be a Cell Inmate, but they moved me to the Mess Hall. That was okey with me actually. I mean yea I wanted to be in the cell, but they had strobe lights and I would have gotten very dizzy :P so in the Mess Hall I got to bang on the tables and walls with a soup ladle and scare people :D lol as long as I scared people I did not care where I was :]

So all in all, (lol conclusion paragraph? XD) NM@BL is firetrucking epic and should be experience!! Whether you are acting or going through as a patron, it is worth it. And the blood tastes good xD hehe it is minty :) so...that is pretty much all I have to say about it for now. And sorry I have not been writing :P NM@BL makes people loose sleep...the most sleep I have had this week is like 6 and a half hours...that is not enough for me :( lol but I will gladly loose sleep to scare the piss (hopefully literally...we get awards for that lol) out of people :) oh and you should go through it because it is hella (and I never say hella) fun! It is $12 on weekdays and $15 on weekends, but the money goes to charity!
Peace,
Lolo  ツ

Halloween

If you do not already know this, I have signed up for Nightmare at Beaver Lake. This is for a couple of reasons: 1) I get scared easily and I will not have to go through that this year since I will be acting. And if I go through it with friends one night I will know what the hell is going on. Lol I got scared just acting in one of the covered areas :P 2) I get Community Service…which (sadly) I do not have any hours of. 3) It seems reeeeeeeaaalyyyy fun! And it is so far :D 4) I could not do NaBL last year do to the unreasonable amount of homework, but Sophomore year is so much easier.  

The theme for NaBL this year is Alice in Wonderland. Which means I would like to be either the Cheshire Cat or the Caterpillar. He has a hooka and sits on a mushroom!! How awesome is that?! Lol I had so much fun yesterday for training! I think I am buying vampire teeth, which I am going to wear with my Halloween costume (transition sentence ftw!! Lol)

For Halloween this year, I am going to be the Cheshire Cat from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. It costume will probably not turn out all that great, but whatever the make-up will be good. I got a black dress with turquoise on the front, it’s sexy ;) haha then I got a turquoise shirt that I cut into pieces and glued those to the dress and I took a black scarf and glued the pieces to that also to make a striped tail. The tail looks cool… I do not know how it will turn out in the end though.

Speaking of cats…mine is in the way xD so I shall write again soon. And sorry I have not written in a couple of days.

Peace,
Lolo ツ

It's Rainin' Men, Hallelujah ♫

K, so I have been debating whether I would write on this topic or not, but it is a big one, so it is to be expected. That is right...boys! Dun dun dun! Ahhhh!

First things first: there is a MAJOR difference between thinking somebody is hot and having a legit crush on them!! Just because I think somebody is hot does NOT in anyway whatsoever make me "vain"! Seriously people, celebrities are hot, that does not mean I have a crush on them. I do not even know their personality or anything except what media whores tell me.

Now then, boys are sexy, hot, sweet, funny, crazy, stupid, douchbagish at times, and really just cause lots of turmoil. They are the hard to out soft ;) I am honestly completely boy crazy lol, but they can cause unreasonable pain.

Boys can be so unreasonably frustrating. They piss me off...sometimes I would like to throw rocks at them. I mean all of the guys I would consider going out with either go to different schools or would never give me the time of day.

So far if I like a guy...he automatically goes out with somebody else or does not like me :P It is so annoying! I am really sick of being single. My last relationship...did not go as well as it could have. I just want somebody who can be there for me and hold me if I am sad (which, lets face it, he is gonna never let me go if that happens xD) And I know everybody is going to be like "That is what friends are for" or something, but save it. A boyfriend is more than that...friends will always be there but a boyfriend is more than that :P That might just be me though. And I know I like a couple of different people, but if I like somebody I want to have an amazing relationship that will last. I do not want friends with benefits or a secretive half-relationship.

This one guy I like makes me feel so completely special. He makes me feel like nobody else can or does and he is totally sweet. I love him. And he would never see me the way I see him. He just would not. Meh...lol

K well I am done talking about this because it is making me sad :( so I shall write again later. Happy Wednesday!

Peace,
Lolo ツ
P.S. I am not saying girls do not do their share of bitchyness, but as I am female I shall rant about guys lol. Let me put it this way: guys are assholes and girls are bitches. All of them?! Hell no! This is just generalization...all people have good and bad moments. I am sorry if you hate that I am generalizing, because haters gonna hate. Lol k bye.

Favorites

Just a random, info entry. These are a few of my favorite things:

• YouTuber: Smosh and Shane Dawson. I cannot tell you which my favorite is because I think one is my favorite until I see the other’s video lol. I do think Smosh is a bit funnier, but Shane Dawson is really sincere and cares about his fans.
• Drink: Sweet tea or coconut water. Lol I bet people think I am weird when I buy coconut water at lunch teehee ah well it is goodentague
• Soda: Mountain Dew Voltage
• Food: Fruit lol pretty much any type of fruit, which is surprising because I am THE pickiest child alive.  
• Song: As of right now, it is Rhythm of Love by the Plain White T’s. As a funny song, Firetruck by Smosh!
• Artist: Muse is my favorite band, but they are wayyyy over played and it is kind of annoying. I also like Death Cab for Cutie, Lady Gaga, a bunch of people/bands.
• Music Genre: Alternative, Rock, Pop, Hip Hop, etc. :P
• Movie: How to Train Your Dragon! It is soooo cute!!
• Disney “Masterpiece”: I blame Daniel, but I think Lion King 2 is one of my favorites xD lol but I also love Brother Bear! It is a newer Disney movie, but I love it!
• Television Show: The Buried Life!!
• Animated Show: Avatar: the Last Airbender  
• Instrument: Alto Saxophone, wish I played it but I kind of need to learn the flute first :P
• School Year so Far: This is a tough one, my favorite year was probably 8^th grade though. It was so innocent and happy…awwww
• Teacher: Harkins…no question xD
• School Subject: Band, History, English
• Books: I absolutely love fantasy books! House of Night Series is my all time favorite series ever!! The Immortals is a good series, too and Clockwork Angel (prequel to The Immortal Instruments).
• Websites: Facebook, DeviantART (http://lolovampire.deviantart.com/), Twitter (https://twitter.com/Lo_La_Lo_99)
• Color: Black and blue
• Animal: Foxes and wolves are awesome!
• Fictional Character: The Cheshire Cat from the new Alice in Wonderland.
• Shampoo Brand: Nexus…the conditioner smells like Cherry Coca-Cola to me. xD
• Search Engine: Google…or I would be screwed. xD
• Boy Name: Anthony
• Girl Name: Irina
• Number: 96
• Music Player: iPod and iTunes! Zune is a copy and the original is always (mostly) better.
• Magic Power: Mind reading or future sight.

Peace,

Lolo ヅ

Flute/Drama

Today I am writing about two things. I am kind of frustrated, so I need to rant about it. I apologize in advance. It is angsty. :P


K, so yesterday in band we started concert music. Which was great the one song we played had Jaws music and Hot Cross Buns lol, but then it got to flute solos. The only flutes are me and one other person. She is really good at flute…I am not. I am wondering if I should do band Junior and Senior year. Of course I want to, but honestly the only people who are in band at Eastlake are the ones who are really passionate about music and plan to do more than just be in the school band. Well, I am not one of those people. Honestly, while we were playing we had a #C trill…I could not even remember if the "#” was a natural or a sharp sign. Are you firetrucking kidding me?! What the hell am I doing in band if I cannot even tell if that is a sharp or natural C?! I mean I do not even know the Db scale!! Somebody told me, I think it may have been Rogers, “The band is only as good as its worst player.” Which, come on, I am pretty bad. I do not even know most of the notes. I cannot even play the Fight Song. How many firetrucking times have we played that?! I mean really what the hell am I doing in band?! It is just so frustrating not being able to play the music. I mean I guess if I deal with Rogers then I must be…somewhat passionate about band, right? Meh and it makes me mad when people are like “You are better at the flute than me.” Maybe because you have never played it, but if you have I am sure you would be better at it. Bleh L -sigh- k now on to my next frustration topic, drama. (ooh transition sentence…nice!)


So last Tuesday at Drama Team we started doing improv! Which I was excited about…until I had to go up there…and I totally sucked. The first activity I did okey at I guess. We had to make the other person open there fist. I accomplished this by Concentration (Patty-Cake did not work). Then somebody else had to make me open my fist. They said I was in a dream and a blue and red pill were in my hand and I had to pick. To this I replied “If this is a dream…then I am in control and I do not have to take the pills.” I felt so smart xD but then they kicked me off the stage because I said no :P ah well lol. Then today I was excited to go to drama club. We started out with park bench, which is the same as the open fist activity. I went up there and just could not think of what to do…so I just creepily stared at the person. Talking is not my strong point…although nothing really is :P It was ineffective, but he took pity on me. Then Nick came up and said “Nice day to not wear pants.” xD Oh wow Nick lol that was really funny. Then the last activity was having two people with different goals try to achieve those goals (haha Halo achievement?) and I totally failed!! Ugh I suck to badly at improve L


I really do not think I have a talent. I mean yeah I am kind of good at drawing…I guess…and I can somewhat play the flute. But everybody has something they are amazing at…I just do not. L Meh sorry people for being stupid and sad, but honestly it is frustrating L Guess that is all for this post. If it is depressing please do not read it. I cannot help it. I try, but I cannot :P To make up for it I will make a happy post J lol it is really just random info about me, but whatever xD

Peace, 
Lolo ヅ