Anxiety (And Other Fun Mental Illnesses)

Sorry I have been neglecting my blog, I have been having a difficult time lately. So, I really do not want to write about this, but I think I should…sooo I have a couple of mental illnesses lol, I have anxiety, depression, OCD (a bit) and claustrophobia. I apologize in advance if this is…uhmm depression or anything, but I kind of feel like people should know.

So, I recently got a boyfriend, which is great : ) I have liked him for a while, but he was going out with other people :P plus I was kind of afraid of being in a relationship. So I am like really happy, he finally figured out I liked him, although I mean people did not even really know I liked him until I told them, so I do not blame him for not realizing it lol. Last Friday (November 12^th) we were hanging at the church and me and him (him and I?) had been texting like everyday for about a week. I was getting kind of annoyed with him a bit lol because he was holding my hand and being all couple-ish with me and we were not going out (yet). :P eventually I told Jack to encourage him, but then I talked to Carrie and she told me to just ask him, so I beat him to it : ) hehe yea I can be kind of competitive, so I asked him out and he said yes : ) lol at first I did not think he heard me because I gave him a hug, but he replied so xD so yes, hehe I am going out with Sam : )

Then a couple of days later, on Sunday we went on a date to see Megamind, and guess what happened… I had an anxiety attack. I felt like I was going to be sick and I started hyperventilating. So I said I was going to get something to drink and that helped a bit, I guess. There was no way, though, that I could sit through that movie, so I went back into the theater and waved him over. So we had to leave and I felt really bad. We were at Bella Botega, so we walked over to Redmond Town Center. I could not just sit down, I had to keep walking, I do not know why, but if I stayed outside and kept walking I felt a bit better. We walked like everywhere, but I still felt like I was going to be sick, bleh. Plus him kissing me did not help xD hehe but I was okey with that : )

After Sunday, I just kept having anxiety. I went to school on Monday and almost threw up, so I had to leave like right as school started. Then on Tuesday I felt better so I went to school for a half hour of 4^th period (Math) and I was there the rest of the day. I skipped school on Wednesday and then on Thursday I went to Starbucks to be with Sam : ) and we hung out with Carrie and Mitchell (awwwww lol), but I was still not feeling good, so we left and walked to Eastlake. I could not handle school, so I called my mom to pick me up. Then I went to the doctor at 12 and they gave me meds and yay my mom is forcing me to therapy (again) : (  bleh, so I went to school for 6^th period, because I had to take my chapter 3 test. Yea I know I am weird, I go to school just to take tests xD haha this is not the first time, either.

Lol yea then I went to school on Friday and made it through the day and even hung out at the church afterward. I felt like I was going to pass out though because I had not eaten all day. Sam made me get Jamba Juice though lol so I felt a bit better, but I had to leave the church at 4 because I just could not take it. Then, I made the great mistake of going to More Than Meets the Eye. I wanted to go, I mean come on, Darling cross dressing and Jamie having a crush on him, how awesome is that?! xD and I thought I would be okey, plus I REALLY wanted to see Sam because I had hardly seen him : ( I felt okey-ish until intermission so Sam took me outside and made me drink water. Then we went back into the theater and I was just hoping the firetrucking play would be over soon. I was shaking, hyperventilating a bit and having a really weird combination of hot and cold. It felt creepy, if you have read Breaking Dawn it felt like how Bella describes turning into a vampire. Oh crap, I ruined the whole series xD lol ah well, but yea this weird…heat from like the end of your body moving inward towards where your heart is, it freaked me out. Too bad I was not turning into a vampire though lol. But yes, the weird hot and cold, I felt way to warm, but I had goose bumps and my hands were really cold. I do not know what the hell, but yea. So I was using my flyer as a fan, just trying to deal with the anxiety, but I could not take it. So I got up and left during the play (and tripped over everybody in the process). I got outside, drank some water, walked around for a minute, trying to calm down, but that did not work. I mean I almost passed out because I had not eaten all day. Finally I just called my mom to pick me up. If only you could have heard the sadness in my voice on that phone. It sounded beyond sad to me. Sam has been nothing but understanding and amazing to me and I have to go and have major anxiety and just be difficult to deal with. I mean he waits for me when I get to school even if he had to leave class and he takes me outside to get fresh air and makes me drink water and just tries to get me through my anxiety. I really like him a lot and I hate having anxiety, I do not get to see him as much as I want to : ( I mean we were supposed to see Harry Potter 7 today, but I knew I would have to leave.

So I guess my overall meaning of this post is anxiety is a bitch and she has no friends. *sigh* so yea, I have just been having overwhelming anxiety and I hope to be okey soon. Sam has been trying to help, plus I got meds and I will be forced to a therapist (the rapist). I mean I know exactly what causes the anxiety, I just cannot handle it : ( plus I have depression, but I guess the meds are also an anti-depressant (but they can make you have suicidal thoughts…that seems so backwards, but okey) bleh and having major claustrophobia does not help my anxiety. Girrur, well I guess that is all for now :P

Peace,
Lolo  ツ

Relationships

So, I have been thinking about this topic a lot recently. For the past year in fact. I have been single for about a year. After you get out of a relationship it is refreshing to be single again, but after awhile you just think enough is enough.

Well, everybody seems to be bringing this topic up. Whether they are a new couple, a recently ended couple, or just tired of being single. I do not care if anybody reads this or not, but I would like to discuss it.

So, my last relationship was...uhm...yea :P it was a...new experience for me. This is the first legit relationship I had been in. As it turns out, I cannot handle relationships well. I ended up getting extreme anxiety and almost had to go to the E.R. I threw up pretty much everything for a week and hardly ate for like 2 months. Plus, my view of relationships it totally screwed up. I kind of see relationships as something people do to make life go a little smoother. Let’s get real here, i want a boyfriend, but honestly, we are still young. The people we date now are not "the one" or whatever, but then again i do not wish to be married or procreate :P yes I know, very un-Christian.

So, i guess to sum this up, I do want a relationship, but i am afraid to have one. I over analyze things and think I am too depressing to be a good girlfriend. The whole topic of relationships just depresses me. I always feel like i will ruin whatever relationship i am in. I am extremely fragile and I am just afraid. I am just afraid of what is unknown and of disappointing people.

Peace,
Lolo  ツ